A Modern Man

In November 2005, George Carlin did an HBO stand-up comedy performance that I thought did not live up to his reputation. He seemed bitter and not overly funny. The best of George Carlin for me can be found on web sites that have collected his funniest one-liners and they are worth reading. Although I was disappointed with the entire show, his opening monologue was brilliant. He used almost every modern day catch phrase in a routine that approached poetry in its delivery. I dutifully transcribed it by watching it over and over and since I have been unable to find it posted on the web am doing it here. What will be missing of course, if you didn’t see the show, is the rhythm. I tried to arrange the lines to present something like it but I would suggest trying to find the tone by not reading it too fast. In fact the best thing to do is to say it out loud. Go ahead, try doing stand-up.


“I’m a modern man, I’m a modern man, I’m a modern man, I’m a modern man, I’m a modern man.
A man for the millennium, digital and smoke free.
A diversified multicultural post modern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.
I’m a high tech low-life, a cutting edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I’m new wave, but I’m old-school, and my inner child is outward bound.
I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database and my database is in cyberspace.
So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time, I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope.

I’m on point on task on message, and off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high concept low profile medium range ballistic missionary.
A streetwise smart bomb, a top gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties I tell power lies I take power naps I run victory laps.
I’m a totally on-going big foot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working ragaholic, out of rehab and in denial.

I got a personal trainer a personal shopper a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down, because I’m tireless and I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an overachiever, laid back but fashion forward, up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance, super sized, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready, and built to last.
I’m a hands on foot loose knee jerk head case, prematurely post traumatic and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing: a supporting, bonding, nurturing, primary care giver.
My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on a long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail I eat junk food I buy junk bonds I watch trash sports,.
I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly, and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex, I like rough sex.
I use the f-word in my email and the software on my hard drive is hard core, not soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a minivan at a megastore.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll free, bite size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed pre-cooked pre-heated pre-screened pre-approved pre-packaged post dated freeze dried double wrapped vacuum packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked, and ready to rock.
Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.
I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride.
Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning.
I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber to the road.
I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time.

I’m hanging in, there is no doubt, and I’m hanging tough – over and out.

Hey, I got 341 days sober and next year is my 50th anniversary in show business – let’s do a fuckin show!”

June 23, 2008 George Carlin died yesterday. A Modern Man is now on You Tube.